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Yes No. A community for the dumbass in all of us. We all have those moments where we do something ridiculously stupid. Share your stories and laugh along with the internet. TIFU by submitting hardcore furry erotica instead of my final paper. TIFU: I have officially branded myself as the biggest perv TIFU by shitting on my boyfriend's dick.
NSFW L self. Edit: So I just learned about the Jared-subway-thing. I'm not american, so I had no idea. To me it's just a name. Carry on! It happened with my boyfriend of now 4 years; we'll call him Jared.
He was my first at pretty much everything, but he was sexually active long before he met me. One day, around 3 years ago, we were watching a movie where a group of people discussed anal, and I realized that in the time Jared and I had been together, we'd never tried it, and hardly talked about it. I asked him if he had tried it with another girl before, if he liked it and what he'd think about trying it with me.
He had not tried it with another girl, and to be honest, he said, it had been a consideration of his to try it with me for a quite a while.
He just didn't feel the need to bring it up at that point, because we were experimenting with other things as well. A few days pass, and I spend some time reading about anal online. At this point, I'm determined to give us this experience: I buy a completely new kind of lube, I practice washing myself way further up than usual, and I wear the buttplugs we already had for far longer, without anybody knowing.
Finally, Friday arrives and I decide, this is it. I'm excited and nervous, but I eventually tell Jared about my plans, and invite him to the bedroom. Boy doesn't object: I got this. It's difficult.
Also, he was clearly excited about the situation, so he was a bit larger than he used to be. However pleasant that sight is, it was pretty inconvenient. He moves too fucking much, trying to make it pleasant for me.
Sweet, but I can't feel anything but pain, and I eventually have to ask him to get completely still so I can figure this out.
We try a few different positions, but they all hurt after a few seconds. I finally decide to get on top of him, with my backside to his face. Alright, perhaps this works. I get going and he seems to be enjoying it; I'm just trying to get used to the feeling, but at least it doesn't hurt that much His entire dick was covered in a thick coat of feces.
With clear signs of our dinner last night. I don't know what to do. What do I tell him? I'm blocking his view, so he doesn't know what's going on. I soon realize I have to tell him. There's no other way around. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why did this happen? What did I do wrong? Everything was fine, why the fuck did this happen, holy shit! Do exactly as I say. Get out of bed very slowly and carefully, walk to the bathroom, do not touch or go near anything, and clean yourself thoroughly in the shower.
And whatever you do, do not look down. Are we clear? And he starts laughing. My heart is beating so fast I can feel it pounding in my chest.
My face is warm, my hands are shaking and my ass fucking. And he belly-laughs at me, knowing exactly what happened. I'm completely beside myself.
This was not part of the plan. Screw this. He does as I say: he doesn't look down, he walks slowly to the bathroom, and takes a nice, long shower. He won't shut up about it, though. He asks me why I'm embarrassed and tells me everything's cool. He invites me to join him in the shower, he hugs and kisses me and laughs at the whole thing.
I'm still in panic-mode. I just want to go to bed and watch some movies: maybe order take-out. Forget everything. A few days later we try anal again, and this time, without any "interference". I guess mission is completed, right? To this very day, every once in a while, when I'm cooking, or working, or watching something, he sneaks up behind me, pulls my hair gently aside, and whispers softly in my ear: "Do you remember that time you took a shit on my penis?
TL;DR: I tried anal with my boyfriend and ended up unintentionally covering his penis in my feces. To this day he still mocks me about it. It's the small things in life. Came to say this. If I put my finger in a jar of peanut butter, I don't say, "Ugh, that jar put peanut butter all over my finger. I actually like how well formatted this TIFU is.
Very good memories. Source: I've looked every single time this has happened with my girlfriend and me. I laughed and she was embarrassed. I was thinking about joining the army, Its like fps but way better graphics, but I was thinking what if I lag theres no respawns in RL.
I think I've only ever heard one anal story in my environment that didn't feature faeces; and that's from a person who prepared by fasting, taking laxatives, using an enema and applying an Olympic pool of lube.
Too much lube is a mistake made my armatures. You actually don't need THAT much and using heaps will just cause the lube to mix with any residual shit left up there and cause a mess as gross as the one in this story.
The smell is absolutely horrific too, nothing like the overpowering smell of ass stank and lube to make you want to revisit your lunch. I'm personally sensitive to lube. It makes all my lady bits feel So I dont like to use any at all and just let nature take care of the whole thing. You'd be surprised by how well this works. Yeah, I've never used lube or had to stretch my asshole with butt plugs. Pretty sure I can't even remember the first time I did anal, but it wasn't a big deal. Shit is part of that area code, but it's never happened to me.
Knock on wood. What ever happened to the good 'ol spit down the backside? You're saying that she eventually needed lube? Now Im scared. I'd like to find a kind I could tolerate, but anything down there just irritates the heck out of me. Sex store worker here. Some women do experience vaginal dryness as they age due to the changes in hormones that occur during pregnancy and menopause.
It can also be caused by birth control and some cancer treatments. If you are having a bad reaction to lube, you could be allergic to glycerin which is pretty common or you could have tried lube with high alcohol or citric acid content. KY and the original Astroglide are two such lubricants that I hear a lot of horror stories about. Also, if it is glycerin that's irritating you, stay away from "warming" water-based lubes. They have 3xs as much glycerin.
I would recommend a nice medical grade silicone lube such as "Premium" lube by System Jo. If you prefer the feel of water-based lube, they also make a great Organic one that contains chamomile and hemp, as well as a Coconut Oil hybrid lube.